Saturday, August 21, 2004
Thankfully, I've never been boy crazy enough to use this plot, but among the thousands of rednecks I know, I've seen this tactic work time and time again. It's the ultimate trap to catch the ultimate (or at least personal ultimate) catch.
1. SNAG HIM! This step starts in junior high when a bright-eyed, innocently conniving girl sees her pray. She is camouflaged by her braces, glasses, and gangly features so that the victim has no idea that she is about to pounce. The boy, typically skinny with acne and unwashed hair, will say "whazzup?" to her and lean nonchalantly against his locker. He may have to place his notebook just below his belt because, again, this is an awkward age. Even though the girl is far from a woman, he will "go out" with her because he is too immature to be picky. (FYI Going out doesn't involve going anywhere. It means that when no one is looking the boy will hold the girl's hand. They may also ride bicycles together, weather permitting.)
2. TAG HIM! This step involves the girl "marking her territory"; it does not involve urination. When the girl tags her guy, she makes it known to every other freshman and sophomore in the high school that he is off limits. She does this though several steps.
- First, she interrupts guy time. She may even sneak into to the men's locker room when the football players are watching tapes just be sure none of the cheerleaders are accompanying the team.
- Second, she ensures that anyone who comes within 20 feet of her boyfriend smells her perfume. This typically involves buying the Family Dollar equivalent of "Curve" by the gallon and pouring it all over her guy's room, car, locker, and, possibly, home.
- Third, she threatens to bawl if her guy gives her any less than four dozen kisses a day, 80% of which must be in front of at least 10 other people. By the end of the week, everyone in town knows that this guy only kisses this girl and that if another girl tries to kiss the boyfriend, she will either get herpes or a broken nose, probably both.
- Fourth, if another girl says more than two words to the boyfriend, the girlfriend will label that girl a "slut." The talker could be planning to join a convent and simply sharing the good news of salvation with the boyfriend, but if she says "Jesus saves you," (three words) instead of "Jesus saves," (two words) then she is a slut.
- Fifth, the culmination of tagging him involves a promise ring. This is a five-dollar ring from Dollar General that symbolizes that the guy will buy the girl a real engagement ring once he ditches his job at Burger King and stops spending so much on paintballs and paintball accessories.
3. BAG HIM! Last the guy proposes to the girl in the middle of senior year (sans ring because he still works at Burger King). She buys a prom dress that can double as a wedding gown and starts to practice her literacy skills again so that she can address Dollar Tree wedding invitations to the entire trailer park. Her parents and entire extended family chip in to rent the local fire hall for the reception. The groom's parents offer the mayor half a heifer to perform the ceremony despite the bride and groom's being related. The groom's parents also provide a couple of kegs that they stole off a beer truck. After the big day, the bride and groom pack up his truck and go to the middle of a state park where they consummate their marriage in a tent that was unfortunately pitched on a poison ivy patch.
PS If this offends you somehow, I don't mean it. I'm just trying to be funny and sometimes I deserve a laugh and sometimes I deserve a slap.