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Saturday, August 21, 2004

Snag him, Tag him, Bag him: the desperate girl's (not my) approach to material bliss

Thankfully, I've never been boy crazy enough to use this plot, but among the thousands of rednecks I know, I've seen this tactic work time and time again. It's the ultimate trap to catch the ultimate (or at least personal ultimate) catch.

1. SNAG HIM! This step starts in junior high when a bright-eyed, innocently conniving girl sees her pray. She is camouflaged by her braces, glasses, and gangly features so that the victim has no idea that she is about to pounce. The boy, typically skinny with acne and unwashed hair, will say "whazzup?" to her and lean nonchalantly against his locker. He may have to place his notebook just below his belt because, again, this is an awkward age. Even though the girl is far from a woman, he will "go out" with her because he is too immature to be picky. (FYI Going out doesn't involve going anywhere. It means that when no one is looking the boy will hold the girl's hand. They may also ride bicycles together, weather permitting.)

2. TAG HIM! This step involves the girl "marking her territory"; it does not involve urination. When the girl tags her guy, she makes it known to every other freshman and sophomore in the high school that he is off limits. She does this though several steps.

3. BAG HIM! Last the guy proposes to the girl in the middle of senior year (sans ring because he still works at Burger King). She buys a prom dress that can double as a wedding gown and starts to practice her literacy skills again so that she can address Dollar Tree wedding invitations to the entire trailer park. Her parents and entire extended family chip in to rent the local fire hall for the reception. The groom's parents offer the mayor half a heifer to perform the ceremony despite the bride and groom's being related. The groom's parents also provide a couple of kegs that they stole off a beer truck. After the big day, the bride and groom pack up his truck and go to the middle of a state park where they consummate their marriage in a tent that was unfortunately pitched on a poison ivy patch.

PS If this offends you somehow, I don't mean it. I'm just trying to be funny and sometimes I deserve a laugh and sometimes I deserve a slap.



Comments:
This sucks!
 
You rock my world. I so did this and I've been married for 18 months. I also have three kids.
 
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