Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Tell me about this Moore-on
While many Americans are still getting over the fact that Fahrenheit 911 creator Michael Moore has a trucker hat growing out of his head and a head growing out of his soon-to-be roasted rump, others want to know more about Moore, namely how some with an IQ less than half of his pant size win the Cannes Film Festival. To help you get the necessary information about Jane Fonda's intellectual heir, I've sifted through hundreds of urban legends and interviewed dozens of amusement park workers.
In the fall of 1953, a clean-cut young "square" worked every night the local amusement park cleaning the whale dung from Shamu's mother's (we'll call her Kristially) tank. One night several "greasers" snuck into the staff room and forced him at knife point to get in the tank with the Orca and do it whaley-style.
Soon, the veterinarian discovered that Kristially was pregnant, but when the whale gave birth, the offspring looked like a very large human. Not wanting to be hounded by the media, the vet sent the child off to Flint, Mich., where most of the world's freaks reside.
Michael Moore grew up unaware of his parentage although he often ate hundreds of raw, whole fish at a time and weighed as much as the rest of his third grade class combined.
He began his filmmaking career with titles such as "Pets or Meat," which reflects his love for sautéing cats and puppies and eating them on sourdough bread; "Canadian Bacon," on his favorite import (aside from pornography involving African pygmies); and his ode to his rear "The Big One." (MGM is soon to release a sequel about his front entitled "The Really, Really Ridiculously Small One.")
Still, Michael Moore felt unfulfilled so he researched his past. His discovered that his father was a professional pooper scooper and that he would have fit right in on the Andy Griffith Show. To avenge his father, Moore became the arch-nemesis of everyone who thinks that today's world could use a few more Mayberrys. He also started making up crap and then pretending to be scooping it via documentaries. He also joined the NRA so that he can shoot his half brother Shamu should Sea World ever decide to remove his lifetime ban.
So there it is: More than you wanted or needed to know about Moore.