Grooving at the Grove

Snag him, Tag him, Bag him: the desperate girl's (not my) approach to material bliss

Thankfully, I've never been boy crazy enough to use this plot, but among the thousands of rednecks I know, I've seen this tactic work time and time again. It's the ultimate trap to catch the ultimate (or at least personal ultimate) catch.

1. SNAG HIM! This step starts in junior high when a bright-eyed, innocently conniving girl sees her pray. She is camouflaged by her braces, glasses, and gangly features so that the victim has no idea that she is about to pounce. The boy, typically skinny with acne and unwashed hair, will say "whazzup?" to her and lean nonchalantly against his locker. He may have to place his notebook just below his belt because, again, this is an awkward age. Even though the girl is far from a woman, he will "go out" with her because he is too immature to be picky. (FYI Going out doesn't involve going anywhere. It means that when no one is looking the boy will hold the girl's hand. They may also ride bicycles together, weather permitting.)

2. TAG HIM! This step involves the girl "marking her territory"; it does not involve urination. When the girl tags her guy, she makes it known to every other freshman and sophomore in the high school that he is off limits. She does this though several steps.

• First, she interrupts guy time. She may even sneak into to the men's locker room when the football players are watching tapes just be sure none of the cheerleaders are accompanying the team.
• Second, she ensures that anyone who comes within 20 feet of her boyfriend smells her perfume. This typically involves buying the Family Dollar equivalent of "Curve" by the gallon and pouring it all over her guy's room, car, locker, and, possibly, home.
• Third, she threatens to bawl if her guy gives her any less than four dozen kisses a day, 80% of which must be in front of at least 10 other people. By the end of the week, everyone in town knows that this guy only kisses this girl and that if another girl tries to kiss the boyfriend, she will either get herpes or a broken nose, probably both.
• Fourth, if another girl says more than two words to the boyfriend, the girlfriend will label that girl a "slut." The talker could be planning to join a convent and simply sharing the good news of salvation with the boyfriend, but if she says "Jesus saves you," (three words) instead of "Jesus saves," (two words) then she is a slut.
• Fifth, the culmination of tagging him involves a promise ring. This is a five-dollar ring from Dollar General that symbolizes that the guy will buy the girl a real engagement ring once he ditches his job at Burger King and stops spending so much on paintballs and paintball accessories.

3. BAG HIM! Last the guy proposes to the girl in the middle of senior year (sans ring because he still works at Burger King). She buys a prom dress that can double as a wedding gown and starts to practice her literacy skills again so that she can address Dollar Tree wedding invitations to the entire trailer park. Her parents and entire extended family chip in to rent the local fire hall for the reception. The groom's parents offer the mayor half a heifer to perform the ceremony despite the bride and groom's being related. The groom's parents also provide a couple of kegs that they stole off a beer truck. After the big day, the bride and groom pack up his truck and go to the middle of a state park where they consummate their marriage in a tent that was unfortunately pitched on a poison ivy patch.

PS If this offends you somehow, I don't mean it. I'm just trying to be funny and sometimes I deserve a laugh and sometimes I deserve a slap.

New Theme: Guys and Girls

As a blogger who likes to have a common thread among her entries, I've decided that I need a new topic now that the internet-textbook fiasco is over. I considered several possibilities such as the joy of being a redneck or da Grove, but these weren't universal enough. The male-female interaction, though, is something that all of us have experienced. It will give me lots of material, and it will allow any of you to tell me a topic to cover either via email, AIM, or comment.

The rules for men

I found this list of rules for guys at the website http://www.liquorwits.com/code.html. The entire list isn't the cleanest, but I've picked some of the more amusing, more appropriate ones for my blog. I'm not sure if these are correct or not so feel free to leave a comment if they aren't.

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.

2. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

3. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

4. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

5. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)

6. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

7. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

8. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

9. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.

10. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.

11. A man's shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.

12. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)

13. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.

14. There are is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may be tucked in. (Exception: when you are participating in a organized sporting event)

15. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught

16. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.

17. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.

I wish I lived in Bangladesh: The last installment of my cheap textbook adventure

The final book arrived today. I'm relieved because I now have them all, but I'm also a little worried that this discrete math book isn't quite ok. First of all, it says that it's only for sale in India, Nepal, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, and Bhutan. Second, it's ISBN and publisher are different from the version I expected. I guess it's by the Indian affiliate of McGraw-Hill. Third, it's missing some of the tables that are shown in the US version. Forth, it sells for less than $8 in India. Of course, I couldn't have legally purchased it from India anyway. I wish I were from Bangladesh. I probably could have gotten all my books for this semester brand new for less than 50 bucks.
Unless there is a major discrepancy between the homework problems in my book and the problems in the US version, I'll probably keep it and be ok, but I should have known that getting a $110 book for $40 was probably too good to be true.
Now that I've received all my books, I can evaluate the entire situation. Two of my five books were perfect and exactly as I wanted them. One of them was pretty darn close. It's the identical international version. It's in color and in great shape. Two of them fall in the "probably ok" category. I might buy my books off the internet again, but I think next time I'll be a little more selective and look at characteristics other than price. I'll also consider getting used books because it's probably better to have the identical American version with a little wear and tear than a brand new international version with differences in content.

Update on Operation Cheap Books

Today I discovered a rather large package wedged in my rather small mailbox. After prying it free with brute strength and a crow bar, I ripped off the priority mail envelope and embraced my new numerical methods book. I'm really happy with what I got. It's definitely brand new, and the $60 book is exactly what Amazon.com is selling for $105 new.

In contrast to my joyous reception of my numerical methods book, my differential equations book is MIA. To freak me out even more, the seller's rating on amazon.com has plummeted. He's gone from 90% satisfaction to less than 80%. The book is almost too cheap to be true, and it still hasn't arrived. I'm concerned.

While my experience with used/new books on Amazon has generally been ok, I think that next time I'm going to check out www.textbookworm.com
It definitely sells cheaper books although its selection isn't as great and all the books are used.

Tell me about this Moore-on

While many Americans are still getting over the fact that Fahrenheit 911 creator Michael Moore has a trucker hat growing out of his head and a head growing out of his soon-to-be roasted rump, others want to know more about Moore, namely how some with an IQ less than half of his pant size win the Cannes Film Festival. To help you get the necessary information about Jane Fonda's intellectual heir, I've sifted through hundreds of urban legends and interviewed dozens of amusement park workers.

In the fall of 1953, a clean-cut young "square" worked every night the local amusement park cleaning the whale dung from Shamu's mother's (we'll call her Kristially) tank. One night several "greasers" snuck into the staff room and forced him at knife point to get in the tank with the Orca and do it whaley-style.

Soon, the veterinarian discovered that Kristially was pregnant, but when the whale gave birth, the offspring looked like a very large human. Not wanting to be hounded by the media, the vet sent the child off to Flint, Mich., where most of the world's freaks reside.

Michael Moore grew up unaware of his parentage although he often ate hundreds of raw, whole fish at a time and weighed as much as the rest of his third grade class combined.

He began his filmmaking career with titles such as "Pets or Meat," which reflects his love for sautéing cats and puppies and eating them on sourdough bread; "Canadian Bacon," on his favorite import (aside from pornography involving African pygmies); and his ode to his rear "The Big One." (MGM is soon to release a sequel about his front entitled "The Really, Really Ridiculously Small One.")

Still, Michael Moore felt unfulfilled so he researched his past. His discovered that his father was a professional pooper scooper and that he would have fit right in on the Andy Griffith Show. To avenge his father, Moore became the arch-nemesis of everyone who thinks that today's world could use a few more Mayberrys. He also started making up crap and then pretending to be scooping it via documentaries. He also joined the NRA so that he can shoot his half brother Shamu should Sea World ever decide to remove his lifetime ban.

So there it is: More than you wanted or needed to know about Moore.

The true dizzle on bargain book shopping

So my new school year resolution not to get ripped off is proceeding relatively well. I've received 3 of the 5 books I've ordered online.
The breakdown by book is as follows.

1. My American Presidency book is great. It's brand new it. It arrived very quickly. It's exactly what I need, and it was 6 buck (including postage) instead of $25.
2. My Computer Science book may not be legal. It has this sign on it that it isn't for sale in the US and Canada. Thankfully, I bought it in cyberspace. I think I am free from blame because I was unaware that it was the international version when I bought it. Technically, I'm a victim of fraud, but I'm a happy fraud victim because I just saved $50 on one textbook.
3. I may have inadvertently supported terrorism. My linear circuits book just arrived FED EX express international from a guy named Shiny Star in Kuwait. Shiny Star sounds like a terrorist to me. It might as well be shiny suitcase (full of dirty bomb). It came as parts of a set, not a whole set. I'm going to have to wait until the first day of class to see if it's what I want.

When the other two books come, I'll give you more details. In the meantime, if you have any questions leave a comment. I'll leave an answer.

I guess I'm a freak.

I'm 59% freak!!

Actually,I'd rather be a freak than a drone so this is cool with me.

Actually, I'm not emaciated although I am trying to limit myself to four or five deserts a day.

New school year resolution: to avoid getting ripped off

The GCC bookstore would like to have a monopoly on all collegiate book purchases. It doesn't tell students what books they need for their classes until a few days before classes start, and it doesn't accept returns--even if you don't need the book.

After getting hosed 40 buck during May intersession, I decided that enough was enough and that I was only going to purchase the absolute necessities from the college bookstore. I emailed all my profs last week and asked them for the ISBNs for all the books I needed for their class. Professors don't mind telling students the required materials even though the bookstore does.

After getting all the vital details, I went to the GCC bookstore website and looked up the books I would need. The total came to about $420, which is ironic because it would have to be 4:20 for me to spend that much. (That was a joke. I honestly don't do 420.) Then, I checked to see what it would be if I got used books. It would be about $375, still too much. Finally, I went to amazon.com and I got all my books new for $240. That includes postage!

I'm so happy that I've saved $180! I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the money, but I definitely won't give it to anyone reading this blog.

The Farm Beat

Nothing makes you more accutely aware of how little happens in small towns than being its newspaper reporter. Now, I must admit that I have had an amazing summer as a professional reporter. There's something exhilarating about seeing your name in print and knowing that thousands of people are reading what you write, even if it's just an article on the local fair.

Speaking of the local fair, I was on fair beat tonight. I saw cow patties twice the size of my head. My pictures included a girl kissing her cow, a boy leaning on his llama, a goat and his owner, and various cowboy-hatted babies. I'm not sure it's safe to put such large hats on really little ones though. It might mess up the shape of their heads or apply too much pressure to the soft spot.

I took Becky to the fair with me. Usually, I'm a really professional, but tonight I couldn't stand the thought of manuvering around manure alone. Becky had never been to an event like this. I, on the other hand, made my first TV appearence at age 10 from this same fair.

I love Becky; after all, she's been like a sister to me since junior high, but sometimes she is a little too honest. She announced that the fair "smelled like sh*t," and I was mortified. After all, that reflects really badly on the paper when its reporter's tag-along swears about the fair's odor. Plus, farm people often get offended when you say that their animals smell, even if they do. She also used the term "Hickville," which is also offensive.

After we escaped the agricultural shindig, we had a good heart-to-heart. Yay for girl talk! Yay for friend who are more like family!

I hate birds

Me: Jared, do you ever worry that a bird is just going to swoop down and rip your arm off?

Jared: No, honey. No, I don't.

Professional Modeling, Footlongs, Custard, and the Family

Today, I had to revise my most recent PR assignment with the new head of alumni giving at the Grove. It was a typical meeting until I discovered, much to my chagrin, that my face would be gracing thousands of alumni publications. That's right! I'm the student phone-a-thon model, and I didn't call a single soul.

I can't publish the photo on here because that would be a copyright infringement, and I would lose my job. I might even get arrested. But trust me, I look perky and exactly like the kind of person you'd want to call you and beg for money.

Once I got home, my parents had a surprise for me. We (as in the whole fam damily) were going to Meadville to Ed's Footlong Hot Dogs and Hank's Frozen Custard. It isn't summer without this northward pilgrimage, and we hadn't gone yet.

I seriously recommend that everyone get to Ed's and Hank's before Labor Day. This is one of the highlights of Western Pennsylvania!

On the way home, I somehow managed to puncture a hole in my pop cup with a straw. My brother really loves me because as the Diet Coke spilled across my lap and as I yelped, "I'm a moron. A soaking moron who can't operate a cup and a straw," Andrew took the cup and pushed it on his leg. The pop then spilled on him, and I was able to dry off with the napkins Mom insists that we always have in the glove compartment.

This proves that even professional models can have a great night out with the rents and the little bro.

Grand Theft Golf Cart

I try to be a good Christian girl, and I can usually resist temptations relatively well. Today, however, was a tough one.

I was quietly sitting in a padded, leather chair in my air-conditioned office at Grove City College. I was doing the painstaking work of stuffing envelopes when suddenly my boss came in. She offered me excitement. She told me to take the long hike to the student activities center.

I began my walk easily enough. Despite the 90-degree weather, it was pleasant. About halfway there though, I realized that I was weak from heat. I needed to stop, but the only place to sit was the smoldering pavement.

Then, I saw it glistening the sunlight: a golf cart! I bet I could have gone a whole ten miles an hour on that thing. I could have felt the wind flow through my hair. I could have put my bag on the seat and not walked.

I got a little closer. I started to smell the golf-carty goodness, and I was hooked. I was going to have to take a ride. Sure, that's against the law, and the ten commandments probably include "Thou shall not steal" for good reason, but I didn't care. Hell couldn't be any hotter than I was at that point so I set my bag on the seat and walked around to get in.

Then, I hear: "Hey Miss! What are you doing?"

It's a Baptist. The college is hosting the Eastern Bible Conference, and the Baptists are staying there with their golf carts. The Baptist approaches me, Bible in hand. I'm afraid he's going to point to all the passages that I am currently violating.

"Well, Sir," I say. "It's really hot today. I've already walked half a mile, and my bag is getting really heavy."

"So you set the bag down and stood in the shade of the golf cart. I understand," the Baptist said. "Why don't you come in a get a drink?"
(By drink, he meant water).

So I took a cup, and then kept on walking. I'm just glad he showed up when he did or else I would have done something I'd have really regretted.

Yeah, so how about I finally remembered by password?!?! I now can post on blogger again. Yay!

I worked all day today. I work for the football team in the afternoons sending letters to prospective players. In generally, they have to have at least 1000 SAT, a 3.0 GPA, and be in the top half of their class, but I make expections for the especially attractive. GCC needs more hot guys, and I have to do my part as a good Grover.

I worked for public relations in the morning. It's not particularly interesting. Today, I made sure that all the freshman turned in photo-release forms. I am shocked at the number of people who will be attending one of America's most competitve college who can't understand instructions like check yes or no, print name, and sign name.